Saying goodbye

I love change. Except for when I hate it. Like when I realize that moving to DC means I won't actually get to see my friends anymore. And I'll have to make some new friends. Or like when I realize that the idea of a new job is awesome, but actually starting a new job is something closer to terrifying. Change is good. I spend my time wishing for change. And then it scares the crap out of me when it actually happens.

I also hate saying goodbye. Like most of the unpleasant things in life, when confronted with saying goodbye, my preferred method of coping is avoidance. Can't I just sneak off to DC without seeing anyone "one last time?" How do you say goodbye to someone you truly care about, but most probably will never see again in your life? "Email me" seems a little shallow. And what about the person who starts to weep while you sit there awkwardly trying not to join her, racking your brain for something meaningful to say. Pat her gently on the shoulder? This is not to mention those who are actually closest to you.

There's a lovely poem I found in one of my ESL textbooks several years ago. I posted it once upon a time in a moment of despair when Zillah was leaving us to go off and do her doctorate somewhere far away. Although a little more serious than simply moving across country, yt seems appropriate yet again.

There is No Word for Goodbye
by Mary Tall Mountain

Sokoya,* I said, looking through
the net of wrinkles into
wise black pools of her eyes.

What do you say in Athabaskan
when you leave each other?
What is the word
for goodbye?

A shade of feeling rippled
the wind-tanned skin
Ah, nothing, she said,
watching the river flash.

She looked at me close.
We just say, Tlaa. That means,
See you.
We never leave ecah other.
When does your mouth
say goodbye to your heart?

She touched me light
as a bluebell.
You forget when you leave us,
you're so small then.
We don't use that word.

We always think you're coming back,
but if you don't,
we'll see you some place else.
You understand.
There is no word for goodbye.

*Sokoya- maternal aunt (in Athabaskan, a Native American language)

kicking against the wall

I've been really busy lately. Sometimes busy in a good way- visiting friends, going to dance class, cooking, frantically trying to finish the rest of the seasons of Battlestar Galactica with Phin- but mostly I've been busy in the irritating way - teaching, grading, preparing for classes, and other various unpleasant obligations I simply can't avoid. Normally I wouldn't mind my responsibilities. But with just barely more than a week left in Utah, I've been contemplating throwing responsibility to the wind. The other option is throwing a temper tantrum.

As a child, whenever I was naughty, my parents would make me stand in the corner or sit on a stool. All I had to do was be quiet for x number of minutes. I HATED it. Hated it with more passion than the normal child hates being disciplined. Instead of being quiet as quickly as possible so I could get out of the corner as quickly as possible, I would scream and kick the wall (because that was much wiser than kicking one's parents) for being forced to do what I didn't want to do. I wasn't quite rebellious enough defy my parents and walk away which meant I was torn with inner conflict- every inch of me longed to move, but I realized the punishment would be much more severe if I did. So I stayed and screamed with rage and frustration that I had to stay there.

That's kind of how I've been feeling about a lot of things the past couple of weeks.

don't "sister" me

I received an email from the BYU music department today. This is what was attached at the bottom.

Sister Hall Dr. Staheli Sister Applonie

Please note the titles of the respective conductors. Note that the one male in the group is graced with the noble title of "Dr" while the women retain their submissive "sister" title. At least that's how I see it. Sister is what you call someone at church. Or your actual sister. You don't, or shouldn't, refer to a woman in an academic setting as sister. How often do you ever hear people call their male professors "brother" (with the exception of religion classes)?

Please admire "Sister" Hall's academic achievements:

M.M., Choral Conducting, Brigham Young University, 1993.
Postgraduate Music Teacher's Certificate, London University, England, 1978
B.M., Royal Academy of Music, London, England, 1977.
Associate of the London College of Music (piano), London, England, 1977.
Licentiate of the Royal Academy of Music (singing), London, England, 1976.

And now "Sister" Applonie:

M.M. Brigham Young University, Provo, UT, 1990
B.M. (cum laude) Brigham Young University, Provo, UT, 1984
Kodaly Certification, Brigham Young University, Provo, UT, 1997

And now "Dr" Staheli:

D.M.A., Choral Music, University of Southern California, 1977.
M.M., Choral Music, University of Southern California, 1973.
B.A., Magna Cum Laude, Piano Performance and Music Theory, including emphasis in voice, Brigham Young University, 1972.

Yes, the ladies are both lacking in doctoral status. But they both have a wealth of experience and certification deserving of recognition higher than sister. Like maybe their names. Don't you think?