Tuesday, December 7, 2010
self-deprecation
Sometimes words cannot express what I'm thinking and feeling. I feel mute, voiceless, helpless to express my rage, joy, discouragement, anxiety. I haven't yet mastered the ability to identify and come to terms with my own emotions. Writing things down sometimes makes it easier, unless I read what I wrote and realize that I sound like a imbecile. Or think I do. I have been known to go back through previous journal entries and "edit" things I didn't like. I even occasionally make rude comments to myself, mocking the ridiculousness of whatever I had said. It's really not much motivation for journal writing. It also makes it hard to articulate any of those thoughts out loud...for if i find myself worthy of ridicule, won't everyone else?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
That's why I talk to myself when I'm alone. I can tell myself what I really think about myself. If I'm feeling in an especially stupid mood, I don't want to have a written record of that stupidity. On the other hand, I get a laugh at my former journaled self, and like to pretend that I've come a long way, so I'm not a journal editor.
i know exactly what you mean.
Fautie says:
You express yourself well and never sound like an imbecile. I have edited my journals as well. Mostly things that when reading back I think I would never want someone to know me or see me like that!
As for anxiety, take up endurance cycling. Embrace the pain of hitting 70 miles, climbing a large hill and knowing that you have 30 more miles to go to finish a century ride. It distracts you from the other anxieties of life.
Post a Comment