Last night I discovered a box of old pictures without a place. They're the kind that aren't good or interesting enough to put into a photo album, but you still don't have the heart to throw them out. They're memories of freshman year days, roommates, early adventures with T-rav. And after a few minutes of happily reminiscing, I decided two things:
1- My awkward years went well beyond the typical "teenage" awkwardness. I wish someone would have mentioned a few things to me at some point...You try looking unkempt and disheveled (in a non-cute kind of way) until the age of 25 and see how you feel about yourself. (With a few anomalous exceptions, of course; every once in a while a glimmer of the self that I know now appeared).
2- I'm getting old. Not that I look old yet--people still regularly accuse me of being barely old enough to be a college freshman--but I do look older than than I did when I got married. And that scares me a little.
Yes, yes, I realize this is normal. There's no escaping age. And I'm rather relieved that I no longer look 14. But the fact that I can identify some stark differences in how I look now and then alarms me, especially as 30 is looming in the not-so-distant future. It's starting to scare me a little. I don't want to get old. I don't want to look old (really, who does?).
I've been chastised plenty of times by old and young people about my dismay of getting older. I've been told I should embrace the progression of life. Who wants to stay 28 forever, they say. But in all honesty, part of me kind of does. I fear looking old and losing the youthfulness that I've had for so long.
Now I realize that feeling this way is: 1) a sign of my vanity (which I try IN VAIN to get rid of, and generally fail miserably). It's true: I'm both vain and self-conscious; and 2) immature and silly. I know I'm silly to feel this way and I'm actually surprised to be confessing this to you (or maybe I'm just infinitely bored). But I'm eager to hear your advice/feelings on the matter. So please advise me.
7 comments:
I think a lot of how we feel about growing older has to do with how we define ourselves. If you've always been someone who looked super young, then realizing you're starting to look older (even if "older" is now "late teens") is potentially a serious blow to your self-identity.
I've been realizing that I am starting to look older too. And it doesn't help that I am married to a balding man. :)
I don't think that your fear of looking old makes you immature and silly. I think it's perfectly normal. I feel the same way. This morning I had a dental appointment and my dentist was predicting how my teeth and gums would look when I am 55-60. It was a little bit scary.
Anyhow, I think that this fear of aging is practically universal. Otherwise, vast enterprises like NuSkin would not exist. And phin would not have a job.
My husband looks quite a bit older than me, even though I'm actually 3 months older than him. Several people have commented on how young I look since I married him. I never thought of myself as looking that young, but I guess compared to him I do. And I'll admit that it has made me quite vain of my youthful looks. I too do no look forward to aging.
But something that makes me remain happy each time I have a birthday is the thought that my looks will never change the way I feel. I will probably always feel like I'm 20 (except I feel a lot wiser than I was at 20). And I think that attitude also helps me seem young, even as I notice the first few identifiable "differences" are starting to creep into my physical appearance.
You know what's really depressing is having a few kids and realizing how much your body has changed and aged! (Not to discourage you from having kids...the little rascals are worth it).
I feel the same way and the thought of being an old person scares the living crap out of me.
Fautie says:
Oh my goodness! You are going to be 30 in 1 year and 2.5 months. You are absolutely ancient!
Any gray hairs yet? Heeheeee!
Listen kiddo, when you are closer to 70 than 30 like me then you can start feeling old as dirt. Till then, nope.
I kind of like gettnig older...notice I didn't say aging. Honestly, I still feel like I am 18, but I am loving all the privilegesof being older. I can eat candy and baked goods whenever I want, because I am the mom. That's what I tell my kids anyway. Plus, I feel as though I get more respect now that I am older...people often think older means wiser, so that is nice as well. Also, being older often means more money, so I like that part as well. See all the fun in aging. Just wait until you have children....No really though, I think kids help keep you young. My mom had 10 and she still looks young and goes running often, something she never did when she was having kids. Well, this wasn't very coherent, but I haven't eaten lunch yet. Good luck aging.
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