Version 1: shy. introverted. somewhat timid.
Version 2: friendly. opinionated. bossy. adventurous.
My family is much more familiar with version 2. And as the oldest child in the family, I feel confident declaring that it is not my fault that I'm bossy. Can I help it if I had a lot of responsibility and decisions put upon me as first-born? Nope. Not my fault. Sorry, siblings.
When I wasn't at home, I was almost always version 1. I hated talking at school and loathed being called on to answer questions because then everyone would stare at me (they really wouldn't--what 9-year-old listens to much of anything in the classroom. But I thought they would stare at me. Especially if I said the wrong thing. Oh the horror!). I had some friends, but was far from "miss popularity." I hated being labeled as "quiet" like it was a bad thing. What's so bad about being quiet? I knew in my heart that I was NOT quiet, not really, but on the outside, that's what people saw.Version 2 emerged as people got to know me. I didn't hesitate to shout down any of the rotten little boys on the playground, and I think most of my friends thought of me as much more adventurous and extroverted than they were. Sassy, even. But it took time and effort to get to that point.
Which brings us to the present day. When I meet new people, potential friends possibly, I am often still version 1. I might feel uncomfortable conversing, maybe even have a hint of a blush whenever the conversation turns toward me. Sometimes I'm just fine, extroverted even, but I have to be in the right mood, drunk with some kind of energy and excitement. I wish I could merge my two selves into one better version that doesn't feel shy, but doesn't mind still being introverted. But it's easier said than done, I guess.
I wonder if any of you feel this way. Which is the better self? I know, I know. The answer is probably neither. I should embrace my selves and be comfortable with who I am! Also easier said than done. ;)
5 comments:
I love all the versions of you!
What a great post. I think it's wonderful that you have two sides. Take for instance, the fact that you blush quite easily. It's so feminine and demure! But then you get so feisty and upset with yourself when you blush! He hee! It's great.
I hope that the new DC people you meet will get to know all sides of you. I'm sure that they'll like everything about you.
Ach! But the truth is that I'm NOT demure (and seldom feel particularly feminine). Which is what makes me so upset- I blush for no apparent reason most of the time. I HATE it.
Fautie says:
Of course I knew and know version2, the one your picture so properly illustrates. Where was this version 1? I never knew of it till you started telling me about it. How strange. I thought I knew my children well.
"Which is the better self?"
you're right: it's neither. there is nothing inherently wrong or weak about being withdrawn or shy or...blushing. there's nothing inherently wrong, or better, about the opposite. the trick is realizing that others don't care, and that all of the weighing and assigning of quality comes from within--and squashing that. much, much easier said than done. plus, speaking from experience, it doesn't help when having to meet new people and start up a new life and all of the stress that comes with that plays into already present insecurities and confusion.
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